#13 Relationships with Extended Family

Getting married brings a whole new dynamic in extended family relationships. Sometimes it can be complicated as you try and meet the expectations of your spouse and your in-laws when you first get married. Here are some of my suggestions on how to handle things: 

The first thing is to remember that the relationship with your spouse comes first. Always keep in mind this scripture found in Genesis, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Your parents and extended family members should respect you and your spouse as a couple and not interfere with your budding relationship. The best advice given to me was by my own mother. I was complaining to her about an argument between my husband and I and she politely told me that it was none of her business and to talk things out with him. I have always tried hard to remember this and passed this knowledge to my own married children. 

The next thing you can do is work together as a couple to set boundaries with each set of in-laws, especially for things like holidays and other family events. Each family has lived expecting their children to be there at every event. Unfortunately, there is only one holiday and two sets of families you are trying to merge. Take the time to set boundaries and do not be afraid to tell extended family "no." James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen gave this advice concerning this matter, "How much involvement should exist with extended family often requires negotiation and compromise in couple relationships until agreement on solutions can be reached" (Harper & Frost, 2005). It is a good idea to communicate with each other on how you want to handle the holidays and do not be afraid to create your own new traditions. 

The last piece of advice is to remember that parents mean well, but if they are too involved with your lives you could respectfully remind them of the scripture, Genesis 2:24. Parents understandably have a hard time letting go of their ties with their children, however it is necessary as you cling together and start your own family unit. The parent role simply changes and it is okay to create a new family dynamic. An example of this is my mother-in-law would call us every day. We had to taper her off slowly. We went from every day for awhile, to every other day, to every third day, and now it is at twice a week. On Sundays she will video chat with all of us and then one of us will talk with her once on the phone another time during the week. 

It is good to stay connected and continue to strengthen family ties with extended family, however it is important that you set boundaries and put your spouse first. It may be overwhelming and you might struggle at first, but have some patience and keep this perspective from Harper and Frost: "When new roles are being defined for both parents and children, it helps parents to realize that they have to make adjustments that may not always be comfortable. This is normal and the discomfort may disappear with time and effort" (Harper & Frost, 2005). It definitely takes "time and effort," so my advice is to be patient and work hard together with your spouse to create healthy boundaries you both agree on.

#12 Equal Partnership

In a marriage a relationship it is about respect; respect for your spouse as your companion, not someone who should be controlled or acted upon. Sometimes, spouses abuse their sacred power and responsibility by dominating their authority in their marital roles. These people may even feel that they are superior to their spouse. A marriage of this nature is either full of heartache and pain or could end in divorce.

What should a marriage look like then?
Gordan B. Hinckley, the 15th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, stated, "Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have" (Hinckley, Aug. 1992).

A marriage should look like an equal partnership, especially when making decisions concerning each other and the family. When my husband and I were first married we were young and entering in college. We could not afford for both of us to go to school, so we had to make a decision together on what course of action we were going to take. It took conversations about what roles we felt comfortable doing and how to help each other. My husband eventually wanted to try and be the sole breadwinner and provider for our family, so it made sense to put him through college first. He could have demanded that I allow this to happen for him and sign up for college courses right away, but he took the time to counsel with me. While he went to school I worked full-time and we both shared in the responsibility of taking care of our children. As we decided this action together, it made it easier to work with each other to reach our common goal. My husband was able to finish his doctorate degree in Engineering and has had a good career in this particular field with a steady income for our family ever since.

That leads me to today. A few years ago, we came together again and decided I could go back to school. We knew it would take sacrifice and hard work, and as we made this our common goal again, we have drawn closer together to survive this crazy time of life. I am now in my Junior year of striving for a bachelor's degree and going back to school with the support of my husband and family has been a tremendous blessing. I could not imagine what it would be like if this were a contentious subject and the support was not there. I do not think I would be able to handle the demands of school and family life if I did not have my husband at my side supporting me.

Marion G. Romney stated speaking of husbands and wives, "They...should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action. They should consult, pray, and decide together..." (Romney, March 1978). You can achieve the greatest things as you work together. It does take patience and compromise as you come to a common consensus, however if you show respect and willingness to work together then you will be successful.  

#11 Pornography Myth: "It Can Help Enhance Our Relationship"

Pornography is a topic that hits close to home for my childhood family. My father chose to go down a destructive path and pornography helped paved the way for him. It destroyed his relationship with my mother and his actions caused him to suffer the consequences of imprisonment. I won't go into the horrid details, however I want you to know the myth that pornography can enhance your marital intimacy is a big fat LIE!!! What does it lead to? According to the "State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families," December 2006; Appendix 5; Pornography, sexual infidelity, and family breakdown stated, "A major factor driving the increase in infidelity and relationship breakdown appears to be the rapidly increasing accessibility of pornography via the internet. In 2003 the online service Divorce Online reported that of the 500 divorce petitions it surveyed, half contained allegations concerning cybersex, inappropriate online relationships and pornography, findings which (it stated) appear to support earlier studies into the Net and marriage breakup."

President Howard W. Hunter warned from his address entitled, "Being a Righteous Husband and Father," that "Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one's character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed" (Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51).

Talking about sex and intimacy in marriage is a topic not many couples feel comfortable with, but it is important to talk about it with your spouse, especially talking about the potential dangers that could destroy your marriage (like pornography). If you feel that you have a problem with pornography, I suggest you get help now. The first step is talking to your spouse and working on it together. Among other resources, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has some ideas where you can begin to help overcome the use of pornography. If you would like to learn more go to the Church's website at: https://www.lds.org/topics/pornography?lang=eng

Something else to think about is how are you building intimacy in your relationship? What are you doing to help your spouse feel loved and safe in your intimate relationship? Looking at pornography is not going to help you build sexual intimacy with your spouse. What you can do to build intimacy with your spouse is communicate. Communication about sexual intimacy with your spouse is key! I understand that it is a sensitive subject, but it is okay to discuss the boundaries of sexual intimacy with your beloved spouse. If you two are not on the same page in your sex life, things could get rocky. Brent A. Barlow stated, 

"Talking together about the physical dimensions of the relationship can help spouses get to know each other physically. Even partners who freely discuss finances, discipline of children, recreational activities, and so forth, often feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just "naturally" work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true. While these intimacies, because of their sacred nature, should not be discussed with friends or other relatives, it is totally appropriate to discuss with a marriage partner." He goes on to state, "Talking about this intimate relationship- including the emotional feelings that attend it- can go a long way in strengthening a marriage" (Barlow, June 1987).

I pretend not to be an expert in what happens in your marriage, but I can guarantee if you are not working together with your spouse and communicating about your sexual intimacy, you could stumble on some serious roadblocks. I leave you with these thoughts from Elder David A. Bednar, from a BYU-I Devotional in 2003 entitled, "Moral Purity." He stated, "...there are bounds for the appropriate expression of love between a husband and a wife. Dignity, purity, and mutual acceptability ought to characterize our most intimate relationships. The more we stray from the simple in our expression of affection, the closer we approach the perverted. Loyalty to your spouse, consideration, and, most importantly, the whisperings of the Holy Ghost will help you know what is right to recognize the path that will lead you away from temptation" (Bednar, 2003). 

Everything in this life that means something takes work and effort. Our intimacy in marriage is no different. You can accomplish the sacred intimacy you are seeking if you choose to do these things.

References

  

Barlow. Brent A. (1987, June). They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage. Liahona, June 1987. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/study/liahona/1987/06/they-twain-shall-be-one-thoughts-on-intimacy-in-marriage?lang=eng

Bednar, David A. (2003, Jan.). Moral Purity. Brigham Young University-Idaho Devotional, Jan. 7, 2003.

Hunter, Howard W. (1994, Nov.). Being a Righteous Husband and Father. Ensign, Nov. 1994. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/1994/11/being-a-righteous-husband-and-father?lang=eng

"The State of the Nation Report: Fractured Families." (2006, Dec.). Appendix 5: Pornography, sexual infidelity, and family breakdown. 

#10 Overcoming Gridlock

How can you overcome "gridlock" in your marriage? Dr. John M. Gottman and Nan Silver gives this advice: "...acknowledging and respecting each other's deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, p. 209). 

When a couple comes together they bring with them their individuality, quirks, and deep-rooted beliefs and when you try to stifle your spouse's point-of-view, and/or their dreams and aspirations, your conflicts could turn into a "gridlock" situation that is hard to overcome. You may start choosing to see the worst in each other as you ignore their dreams and aspirations.

After we were first married we experienced quite a few "gridlock" situations. One particular recurring fight we've had is how to handle the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. My husband was annoyed by the fact that we go out and see everyone. We have his parents and siblings, his grandparents, and my parents that we see and spend time with. He hates the fact that he has to spend his holiday going to all the different locations. It is not that he doesn't care for extended family, he was just tired of the run around. Me on the other hand, I love visiting everyone and spending time at each house. It was a fun tradition for me and I enjoyed it immensely. Luckily, for my husband we moved out-of-state for a few years and he did not have to deal with it anymore (except when we visited over a holiday). He was in heaven! He loved just being home and spending time with our little family. After a few years we had the opportunity to move back near our extended family once again and that first Christmas being back, he just wanted to spend it at home. I was angry and we got into yet another argument. 

Our first problem with this issue is that we both felt that we were right. We had dreams and aspirations about how to spend time with our family and they were different. My husband's dream was to stay at home and spend time with just our little family and my dream was to spend time with all of our extended family. It was not until we sat down together and talked to each other about how we felt that we could come up with a solution. I honestly did not think about the fact that he wanted some alone time with just our immediate family. I was thinking he was just acting selfishly and wanted to be at home. When I realized he was looking forward to spending time at home with our family, I was able to have compassion and was open to communicate possible solutions. You could say I had a change of heart towards him. I came to the table with more humility and understanding, and it allowed me to see him in a different light. He also recognized my desire of wanting to spend the holidays with all our extended family and was willing to listen to my reasons why. I had a horrible childhood growing up and I love that we have amazing relationships with all our family now and I love spending time with them. 

Once we came to an understanding of what the other desired and dreamed of, we could start compromising. The idea we both liked the most was spending time with his family on Christmas Eve and then on Christmas day, hosting a brunch for the grandparents to come over to see what the kids got for Christmas and then the rest of the day we could stay home with just our family. It worked out really well while we lived there. Now we once again live out-of-state and do not have to deal with it too much anymore (unless we visit over the holidays). 

Marriage is all about compromising and learning to love and respect the ideas, dreams, and aspirations of our spouse. When we view our spouse as someone who is stifling us, resentment builds up and "gridlock" may occur. To avoid that, we should have charity towards our spouse and view them with compassion and understanding, not negativity. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard states, "...negative reactions are a choice- a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other" (Wallace, 2009). 

When my husband and I have disagreements with each other, I can choose to remember that he is a person with dreams and aspirations. His viewpoint matters just as much as mine does. If I can take a step back and try to see where he is coming from, I can make better choices and try to compromise. I do love my husband and am trying to respect his dreams and aspirations. I am glad he tries to understand mine as well. It's what makes us work and I'm grateful for that. 

#9 Forgiveness is Key

Why do we show our mean ugly sides to those we love the most? Have you had a time in your marriage where you have criticized and belittled your spouse? I'm sure we all have. I know I am guilty of this, so what can be done about this type of behavior? 

Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," stated, "Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it's no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues" (Gottman & Silver, 2015). It is to be expected that conflict will occur, we just have to decide how we are to handle it. 

Dr. Gottman states there are two kinds of conflict: perpetual and solvable and that "69 percent" of conflict falls into the perpetual conflict category (Gottman & Silver, 2015). One example of this is what I call "my husband's constant dirty clothes issue." He has three, yes three, dirty clothes piles in our bedroom. There is one in his closet, one in the bathroom, and one on his side of the bed. Lately, I have been choosing to confront my constant irritation by using what Dr. Gottman calls "Harsh start-ups." For example, instead of calmly explaining how I feel about the dirty clothes piles, I say things like, "Ugh, I can't believe you left those clothes in the bathroom again." Or "Well, if you hadn't left your pants on the side of the bed like you always do, they would have been washed." How different could my approach be in this situation? Instead of being irritated all the time about this, I could try to understand where he is coming from. My husband works close to 75 hours a week. By the time bedtime rolls around, he is exhausted and does not think of dragging his clothes across the house to the laundry room. He just wants to shed them and hop into bed. I honestly think that he has just given up on what I think about it because he shuts down whenever I say something, especially when using that harsh start-up. I mean, wouldn't you do the same if you were treated that way?

Dr. Gottman has an idea for help in this matter and suggests to "soften your start-up." Is my issue valid? To me it is, so I need to tell my husband how I feel in a respectful manner. I could say something like, "I know you've had a rough day at work, and I have had a long day at school and dealing with things at home, so I could really use your help with the laundry. Could you please put your clothes in the laundry room or what if I bought a hamper to put in our room, would you mind putting your clothes there?" Could his reaction change at this point? Do you think he would be more willing to compromise if I came at him in this respectful manner? I think so. I plan on putting Dr. Gottman's advice to the test and plan on trying to turn this perpetual issue into a solvable one. 

Update: My husband and I were able to work out my laundry issue! I was able to use a "soft start-up" to get the conversation going. I told my husband I was feeling overwhelmed and could use some more help with things around the house. I asked him if he would be willing to help me more with the laundry. To my surprise, he said yes! I then specifically addressed the three dirty clothes piles he has. I asked if I put a hamper in our master bathroom if he could put all his dirty clothes in there. He said he would make an effort to do it and so far he has been trying every day since our conversation. Speaking respectfully and using a "soft start-up" helped solve an issue that has been festering for almost 27 years! Thank you Dr. Gottman!!

#8 "Pride is Burdensome"

We can see the universal sin, pride, in marriages today. The ideals of the world are to turn inwardly and only care about your own needs and desires. The title of my blog post this week comes from Dr. Goddard in his book entitled, Drawing Heaven in Your Marriage, which states, "Pride is burdensome."

Dr. Goddard also stated, "Today's culture teaches a very different lesson from traditional wisdom: We now hear that it is noble and worthy to focus on our own needs. It is our first obligation" (Goddard, 2009, p. 70).

No wonder marriages are suffering. We are busy focusing on ourselves and letting our pride destroy our relationships with our spouses. Unfortunately, it happens in the best of marriages. What can be done about it? 

Dr. Goddard offers this advice in "Curing Pride." He quotes President Ezra Taft Benson's great sermon on pride and suggests it "has the keys to our repentance." 

"Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves...Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. "How everything affects me" is the center of all that matters-self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking."

"The antidote for pride is humility-meekness, submissiveness (see Alma 7:23). It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble...let us choose to be humble."

"We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are" (Benson, 1989). 

Dr. Goddard goes on to state, "The irony of pride is that those who are most talented are those who are most vulnerable to this leprosy of the soul. The world may esteem great talent as a blessing, but it is nothing to God in the absence of humility (Goddard, 2009, pp. 75-76).

As couples turn away from pride and choose humility, they can overcome the devastation that can threaten their marriage. It is not easy, but it is worth it.

I have been married for nearly 27 years and our worst fights have occurred because one or both of us were too prideful in our approach with one another. We used the word "I" in those fights over and over and the arguments escalated as we refused to back down. We were consumed with ourselves and our selfishness to think of how to move forward together. I remember one argument in particular where I was so angry and felt justified in my thoughts that I left. I drove to the beach and did not come home until it was dark. I was miserable the whole time! It was not until I decided to turn to Heavenly Father in prayer and ask for my heart to be softened that I calmed down. At that moment, I started seeing clearly my faults in the argument and recognizing how I could try to help things go right again. I got in the car and drove home. Luckily, my husband had the same Epiphone. He also prayed for help to soften his heart. In turning to God enabled us to turn back towards each other. 

Dr. Goddard states, "When we humble turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness. We gladly give our time and energy to bless those around us-especially those with whom we have made covenants" (Goddard, 2009, p. 79).

We can decide to overcome pride, especially as we let God help us. We can turn away from the worldly views of selfishness and start turning towards our spouse with humility, love, and respect. 

#7: "When We Put God First, Everything Falls into Its Proper Place!"

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. eloquently stated the title of this week's blog in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships." In Chapter 3 of his book he talks about how having faith in Christ can strengthen your marriage. 

Dr. Goddard stated, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ provides eternal perspective" (Goddard, 2009, p. 57). How many times do you get frustrated with our spouse on a daily basis? I can tell you there are days when I just want to scream and call it quits. It is not until I calm down and focus on the eternal nature of our marriage that things get better.

I remember a time in our marriage where we were so focused on doing our own thing that we lost sight of the eternal nature of our marriage. We were not putting the Lord first in our marriage and we filled our time with things we thought were more important. My husband was going to school full-time and I was working. We both had responsibilities outside the home with church service and cultivating our marriage was not on the forefront of our minds. We were more irritable with each other and did not have the patience with one another that we should have had. We were in what I would call a pride cycle. Dr. Goddard talks about this in Chapter three as well. He remembers a time where he was being prideful in the relationship with his wife and was "see[ing] the whole world in the perspective of [his] needs, wants, and preferences." He goes on to state, "That is the painful reality of humanness" (Goddard, 2009, p. 58). 

Fortunately, there are ways to get out of the pride cycle, and that is to put God first. As we put God first in our lives, our relationships will become stronger. The Savior was our perfect example of how we should treat one another. Why should we treat our spouse any differently? When we try to view our spouses as the Lord sees them, it will help soften our hearts and attitudes towards them. That is exactly what my husband and I started to do to repair the rut we got ourselves in. We were able to get back on track by putting God first and as we did things like kneeling in prayer together and attending the temple, we were able to draw closer together once more.

Dr. Goddard stated, "Sometimes, we get buried in the here and now. Jesus invites us to look to eternity. We can lift our eyes from daily irritations to heavenly purposes and eternal joys" (Goddard, 2009, p. 67). It is easy to get caught up in things that do not matter. If you find yourselves stuck in this type of rut with your spouse, I suggest turning to the Savior together as a couple and you will find the strength to make the necessary changes to get back on track. 

References

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. JoyMap Publishing.