#7: "When We Put God First, Everything Falls into Its Proper Place!"

H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. eloquently stated the title of this week's blog in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage: Eternal Doctrines that Change Relationships." In Chapter 3 of his book he talks about how having faith in Christ can strengthen your marriage. 

Dr. Goddard stated, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ provides eternal perspective" (Goddard, 2009, p. 57). How many times do you get frustrated with our spouse on a daily basis? I can tell you there are days when I just want to scream and call it quits. It is not until I calm down and focus on the eternal nature of our marriage that things get better.

I remember a time in our marriage where we were so focused on doing our own thing that we lost sight of the eternal nature of our marriage. We were not putting the Lord first in our marriage and we filled our time with things we thought were more important. My husband was going to school full-time and I was working. We both had responsibilities outside the home with church service and cultivating our marriage was not on the forefront of our minds. We were more irritable with each other and did not have the patience with one another that we should have had. We were in what I would call a pride cycle. Dr. Goddard talks about this in Chapter three as well. He remembers a time where he was being prideful in the relationship with his wife and was "see[ing] the whole world in the perspective of [his] needs, wants, and preferences." He goes on to state, "That is the painful reality of humanness" (Goddard, 2009, p. 58). 

Fortunately, there are ways to get out of the pride cycle, and that is to put God first. As we put God first in our lives, our relationships will become stronger. The Savior was our perfect example of how we should treat one another. Why should we treat our spouse any differently? When we try to view our spouses as the Lord sees them, it will help soften our hearts and attitudes towards them. That is exactly what my husband and I started to do to repair the rut we got ourselves in. We were able to get back on track by putting God first and as we did things like kneeling in prayer together and attending the temple, we were able to draw closer together once more.

Dr. Goddard stated, "Sometimes, we get buried in the here and now. Jesus invites us to look to eternity. We can lift our eyes from daily irritations to heavenly purposes and eternal joys" (Goddard, 2009, p. 67). It is easy to get caught up in things that do not matter. If you find yourselves stuck in this type of rut with your spouse, I suggest turning to the Savior together as a couple and you will find the strength to make the necessary changes to get back on track. 

References

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. JoyMap Publishing.

  

#6: Love and Sacrifice

In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," Dr. H. Wallace Goddard states, "Sacrifice is generally devalued and misunderstood in our society. Tzvetan Todorov, a social commentator, invites us to think differently: "To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one's time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one's efforts, not poorer" (Goddard, 2009, p. 48). 

As I have reflected on the marriages of the couples in my life that I deem to be successful, this is what they do. They willingly sacrifice their time and energy for their spouse. I know a couple who have been married for over 60 years and they are the epitome of what sacrificing for each other looks like. I asked them what is the key of success in their marriage and they both said a number of things, but it was the time and effort they put into their marriage that was the most meaningful to them. They made it a priority to go on weekly dates with each other, no matter how busy they were. They called each other during the day and checked in with one another. This was especially meaningful when the wife was a stay-at-home mom up in arms with children all day and she just needed an adult to talk to for a few minutes. They both made it a priority to attend the temple monthly. They did not always make it every month, but pretty darn close. 

Every marriage can be strengthened by putting the time and effort into getting to know each other. In the book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," it states, "The biblical term for sexual love is to "know" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, p. 61). 

It goes on to say, "The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, p. 62). 

We as couples can do better in this department. We can strengthen our marriages by simply getting to know each other and spending quality time together. One way we can do this is by having a weekly date night. For my husband and I we cannot always do a date night, so we plan a lunch date together instead of dinner. It is a time to break away and simply be together. We try to stay away from our phones and use the time wisely to talk to each other. It has been a blessing in our marriage to take the time away from our busy schedules. Our dates have deepened our friendship and keeps us emotionally connected to one another. 

If your marriage is rocky and you are going through a rough patch, take heart and try these things out. Service and sacrifice changes hearts, especially our own.

References

Goddard, H. Wallace, PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. JoyMap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

• ISBN: 9780553447712

#5: Friendship is the Key

Why do people struggle so much in their marriages? According to authors John Gottman, PhD and Silver Nan in the book, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" they state, "At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company" (Gottman and Silver, 2015, p. 33). 

It is true that a marriage based on friendship will help when conflict arises. A good example of this is my husband's parents. Even in their darkest moments, they stay together because they are friends. They have a deep love and mutual respect for one another and always fall back on that. They look for ways to serve each other. My father-in-law always takes care of my mother-in-law's car. He regularly washes it for her, changes the oil, and makes sure it is in tip-top shape. My mother-in-law will go out every week and mow the lawn because she knows my father-in-law hates it. He will do it, but since she knows he does not like it, she goes out and does it before he even thinks about it. They serve each other because of their love for one another and because of their friendship. 

With friendship, love blossoms. My In-Laws are good examples, not only how they actively serve one another, but by connecting with each other. They are always concerned about the other and take the time to check in with each other often. They share confidences and work on their dreams and aspirations. One example of this is my mother-in-law always dreamt of vacationing together with the entire family. She wanted to "make memories" with her husband, kids, and grandkids before she gets too old to do anything adventurous. Both of my In-Law's saved for over thirty years to afford vacations with our family. Last year took the entire family (24 in total) to Alaska and this summer it will be Hawaii. They both shared this dream together and now it is a reality for them.  

Here is a picture of all of us in Skagway! Look at my cute mother-in-law in the pink jacket with that smile on her face! 

Yes, my In-Laws argue. No, their marriage is not perfect, but they are friends and their friendship will continue to carry them through anything that comes their way.  

In the Book of Mormon in Mosiah 3:19 it reads, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." 

As we develop these attributes and become humble, patient, full of love, with our spouse we can build on the friendship base we start with. By building on that friendship, we can emotionally connect to each other and let it grow into an unbreakable bond that can weather the toughest storms. 

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

• ISBN: 9780553447712

#4: A Covenant Marriage

The Logan, Utah Temple is where my husband and I were sealed together for all time and eternity. Our marriage is not just a contractual one, but a covenant one. The quote pictured above was taken from President Benson's talk from 1986 entitled, "What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple." As we set our sights of the eternal nature of our marriages, we can get through life's challenges and not feel inclined to walk away when things get difficult.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen in his talk, "Covenant Marriage," from the November 1996 Ensign, compares a covenant marriage to a contractual marriage by suggesting that a contractual marriage is like a hireling hired to watch over the sheep and only cares for the sheep because he's paid to. Where as a covenant marriage is like a Shepard, who loves his sheep and would lay down his life for them. 

Elder Hafen (1996) explains it in this manner, "Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the "hireling," who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling "seeth the wolf coming," he "leaveth the sheep, and fleeth...because he...careth not for the sheep." Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. it curses the earth, turning parents' hearts away from their children and from each other" (para. 3). 

When people get married they seem to think their life will be nothing but happiness and bliss, however, in reality marriage takes work. In a marriage, both partners must put in the effort to help cultivate and create happiness. It does not just come. I have learned that a marriage takes a lot of love, patience, charity, and effort, especially when life's challenges come knocking at the door. 

My husband and I have been through a lot of pain, hardship, struggles, and sometimes we did not even like each other. It takes looking at things from an eternal perspective to help get back on track. When we have remembered our temple covenants and  helped and believed in one another, that is when things started going right again. That is when our marriage feels like it is heading in the right direction. It takes looking to the Lord and following His plan of what a marriage looks like to make it work. 

Unfortunately, the adversary is a real force fighting against marriages. Elder David A. Bednar (2006) stated, "...Satan does not have a body, he cannot marry, and he will not have a family. And he persistently strives to confuse the divinely appointed purposes of gender, marriage, and family." 

He goes on to state, "Given what we know about our enemy's intent, each of us should be especially vigilant in seeking personal inspiration as to how we can protect and safeguard our own marriages-- and how we can learn and teach correct principles in the home and in our Church assignments about the eternal significance of gender and of the role of marriage in the Father's plan" (Bednar, 2006). 

As we understand the forces against us, we can prepare ourselves to combat the adversary and protect our marriages. We can do that by understanding what a marriage is in the sight of God. It is not just a contract that we can easily walk away from, but a covenant that we should do everything in our power to protect. We should to try earnestly to keep our covenants and try looking at things from an eternal perspective, especially during our trials. Elder Hafen (1996) gives us this advice on how we can do that, "Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent" (para. 2). 

I know the Lord will bless our marriages as we each strive to give 100 percent. We can do that by turning to our spouse for love and support and turning to the Lord to guide us through. 

References:

Bednar, David A. (2006, June). Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan. Retrieved January 30, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?lang=eng

Benson, Ezra Taft. (1986, April). First Presidency Message: What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the Temple. Retrieved January 30, 2019, from https://www.lds.org/liahona/1986/04/what-i-hope-you-would-teach-your-children-about-the-temple?lang=eng

Hafen, Bruce C. (1996, November). Covenant Marriage. Retrieved January 30, 2019, from 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng