How can you overcome "gridlock" in your marriage? Dr. John M. Gottman and Nan Silver gives this advice: "...acknowledging and respecting each other's deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage" (Gottman & Silver, 2015, p. 209).
When a couple comes together they bring with them their individuality, quirks, and deep-rooted beliefs and when you try to stifle your spouse's point-of-view, and/or their dreams and aspirations, your conflicts could turn into a "gridlock" situation that is hard to overcome. You may start choosing to see the worst in each other as you ignore their dreams and aspirations.
After we were first married we experienced quite a few "gridlock" situations. One particular recurring fight we've had is how to handle the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. My husband was annoyed by the fact that we go out and see everyone. We have his parents and siblings, his grandparents, and my parents that we see and spend time with. He hates the fact that he has to spend his holiday going to all the different locations. It is not that he doesn't care for extended family, he was just tired of the run around. Me on the other hand, I love visiting everyone and spending time at each house. It was a fun tradition for me and I enjoyed it immensely. Luckily, for my husband we moved out-of-state for a few years and he did not have to deal with it anymore (except when we visited over a holiday). He was in heaven! He loved just being home and spending time with our little family. After a few years we had the opportunity to move back near our extended family once again and that first Christmas being back, he just wanted to spend it at home. I was angry and we got into yet another argument.
Our first problem with this issue is that we both felt that we were right. We had dreams and aspirations about how to spend time with our family and they were different. My husband's dream was to stay at home and spend time with just our little family and my dream was to spend time with all of our extended family. It was not until we sat down together and talked to each other about how we felt that we could come up with a solution. I honestly did not think about the fact that he wanted some alone time with just our immediate family. I was thinking he was just acting selfishly and wanted to be at home. When I realized he was looking forward to spending time at home with our family, I was able to have compassion and was open to communicate possible solutions. You could say I had a change of heart towards him. I came to the table with more humility and understanding, and it allowed me to see him in a different light. He also recognized my desire of wanting to spend the holidays with all our extended family and was willing to listen to my reasons why. I had a horrible childhood growing up and I love that we have amazing relationships with all our family now and I love spending time with them.
Once we came to an understanding of what the other desired and dreamed of, we could start compromising. The idea we both liked the most was spending time with his family on Christmas Eve and then on Christmas day, hosting a brunch for the grandparents to come over to see what the kids got for Christmas and then the rest of the day we could stay home with just our family. It worked out really well while we lived there. Now we once again live out-of-state and do not have to deal with it too much anymore (unless we visit over the holidays).
Marriage is all about compromising and learning to love and respect the ideas, dreams, and aspirations of our spouse. When we view our spouse as someone who is stifling us, resentment builds up and "gridlock" may occur. To avoid that, we should have charity towards our spouse and view them with compassion and understanding, not negativity. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard states, "...negative reactions are a choice- a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other" (Wallace, 2009).
When my husband and I have disagreements with each other, I can choose to remember that he is a person with dreams and aspirations. His viewpoint matters just as much as mine does. If I can take a step back and try to see where he is coming from, I can make better choices and try to compromise. I do love my husband and am trying to respect his dreams and aspirations. I am glad he tries to understand mine as well. It's what makes us work and I'm grateful for that.
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