Why do we show our mean ugly sides to those we love the most? Have you had a time in your marriage where you have criticized and belittled your spouse? I'm sure we all have. I know I am guilty of this, so what can be done about this type of behavior?
Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," stated, "Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it's no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues" (Gottman & Silver, 2015). It is to be expected that conflict will occur, we just have to decide how we are to handle it.
Dr. Gottman states there are two kinds of conflict: perpetual and solvable and that "69 percent" of conflict falls into the perpetual conflict category (Gottman & Silver, 2015). One example of this is what I call "my husband's constant dirty clothes issue." He has three, yes three, dirty clothes piles in our bedroom. There is one in his closet, one in the bathroom, and one on his side of the bed. Lately, I have been choosing to confront my constant irritation by using what Dr. Gottman calls "Harsh start-ups." For example, instead of calmly explaining how I feel about the dirty clothes piles, I say things like, "Ugh, I can't believe you left those clothes in the bathroom again." Or "Well, if you hadn't left your pants on the side of the bed like you always do, they would have been washed." How different could my approach be in this situation? Instead of being irritated all the time about this, I could try to understand where he is coming from. My husband works close to 75 hours a week. By the time bedtime rolls around, he is exhausted and does not think of dragging his clothes across the house to the laundry room. He just wants to shed them and hop into bed. I honestly think that he has just given up on what I think about it because he shuts down whenever I say something, especially when using that harsh start-up. I mean, wouldn't you do the same if you were treated that way?
Dr. Gottman has an idea for help in this matter and suggests to "soften your start-up." Is my issue valid? To me it is, so I need to tell my husband how I feel in a respectful manner. I could say something like, "I know you've had a rough day at work, and I have had a long day at school and dealing with things at home, so I could really use your help with the laundry. Could you please put your clothes in the laundry room or what if I bought a hamper to put in our room, would you mind putting your clothes there?" Could his reaction change at this point? Do you think he would be more willing to compromise if I came at him in this respectful manner? I think so. I plan on putting Dr. Gottman's advice to the test and plan on trying to turn this perpetual issue into a solvable one.
Update: My husband and I were able to work out my laundry issue! I was able to use a "soft start-up" to get the conversation going. I told my husband I was feeling overwhelmed and could use some more help with things around the house. I asked him if he would be willing to help me more with the laundry. To my surprise, he said yes! I then specifically addressed the three dirty clothes piles he has. I asked if I put a hamper in our master bathroom if he could put all his dirty clothes in there. He said he would make an effort to do it and so far he has been trying every day since our conversation. Speaking respectfully and using a "soft start-up" helped solve an issue that has been festering for almost 27 years! Thank you Dr. Gottman!!
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